So I got this brilliant idea..

to make something I can make a profit from. I have been self-pitying from being a useless shit and not being able to contribute any service in any form to the world when this idea popped into my head. I planned my whole week out and it was helpful for me. So I decided to make my own planner. I know people who print these kinds of business, I just cannot share it to people pa, because it's still not available. I just wanted to express this brilliant sentiment today cause I think it really is a good idea. Since I'm just at home, doing some part-time job, and I'm an average user of Adobe photoshop, why not do this? At least, I'm at home and I'm comfortable with my time and everything. I can eat whenever I want, I can take a dayoff whenever I want, and I really love this kind of job because it will benefit me. :)) So I can make customized planners and shizz. I can go on with my life! *yey!*

When everything is not going well..

This week, I've been really down. Everything is just not going my way. And I hate it.

I cannot eat what I love the most - chocolates and ice cream - in a very very long time. I wasn't allowed to see CDC this September 15 because it's Sunday. It was just because it was a Sunday afternoon. These past few weeks, there's nothing really going on every Sunday afternoon except for my commitment but the events doesn't really happen. It upsets me. No, it makes me depressed. It sends me to the bottomest state I could ever be in. I mean, it's just. I've always wanted to watch the UP Pep Squad make the world burn. It's just. I thought it would be this time. And I was near it! I thought I could have it, but then I don't. It really hurts. And I really have to cry. The third one is because of I'm so getting bored with my life here, I need to go out. I need to socialize with people, but I don't want to. Or there's no people I can be with that can totally understand me. I hate going out with friends I'm not really close with. The fourth one is because of I missed the chance of going to the Manila Int'l Book Fair. My friend went there today, and I can't go with her because it's not like I can actually buy books I liked coz I'm so broke. It's like the world has denied me all the reasons I can have for fun. I hate myself. I hate everything. I want to just die. I don't know. Life isn't worth living now. Everything is just not going well with me. And I'm forgetting how it is to be happy.  

I just needed to write this down coz I have no where else where I can put it to.

It's inside, and you'll never know.

It is not in the looks, in the clothes people wear, or in the smiles coming from them. It's what inside them, it's in their minds, it's in their hearts. You can never really have any idea how that person is going through. You cannot know a person entirely unless they reveal themselves to you. Everyone is going through something, everyone has their dark sides. And you have no right judging them for what they do because you are not that person. Whether he may be right or wrong, you got no say in that. So just stop judging people. 

Feeling Again

Feeling Again.

I felt happy, I felt sad too. I felt whole but then I felt broken all over again.
It's not that I regret anything I've done these days, but I'm glad that I can feel again.

There was this guy I met in chat, we started talking almost everyday for 28 days, and I liked him. I dunno, he was not my ideal kind of man, but I still liked him. He was a bad ass, no, he still is. He said he loved me. Yes, that's a bit weird, cause we haven't seen each other personally. But well, there's no harm done right? So there, until last night, he decided to just walk out my life, so I let him. I can't make him stay if that's not what he wants.

I can't feel anything today. Perhaps, I'm denying the hurt. I am sad. I am bothered. I was in infinitea with my friends, but my mood, it just isn't right. I was trying to look fine, I was trying to be okay, I was trying hard to smile. My smile isn't like the one I had that Sunday. My smile is a forced smile. My smile is just too ugly, too hard to make when all I really wanted was to frown, be sad.

He said that my dress looked good on me that Sunday. I don't know if that was true, but well, he did say that. He told me that there was something different, but in a good way, with my smile that day. I don't know if that was true either. But I better believe that, cause if it was sarcasm, I'd be killing him. lol.

He said he's grown tired of what we're doing - well, I guess talking all day, everyday, ever since we met. Who wouldn't? So he decided to just stop this thing going on between us. He just decided to stop. And I completely understand that. I'm just quite sad that I'll never be hearing from him again. I hope I'd hear from him again. Cause I'm missing him. And I hate missing someone.

Well, I can still see how he's doing in tumblr. That's quite nice. I think it will do. It's enough. Even though I stop speaking to him, well at least I can stay updated with his life, or his thoughts. He's a good friend. He is. Even though he's an ass and though his mind is full of crazy shit. I love him. Yes, I do. With that 28 days, I do love him for what he is.

I hope his nephew is doing fine. I love seeing that child. He's full of life and good vibes.

I think of him most of the time. I hope he does too. And I hope that he won't forget me, at the least. I hope he does well. I hope that for once in his life, I made a mark in it. I hope that he will remember a girl who had that shitty tolerance on his bad ass and who never grew tired of talking to him. I hope he'll remember me from time to time.

I am sad. But still, I'm happy. I'm happy that I met such a bad but lovely guy. :)

It's fun to talk to strangers

I guess it’s fun to talk to strangers
You have the power to lie or tell the truth
You can say everything about yourself
Or make up stories like your life is smooth

I guess it’s fun to talk to strangers
For you can introduce yourself anew
You are not obliged to stay true
And when you’re done, you can say ‘adieu’

I guess it’s fun to talk to strangers
So you can learn things you never knew
You can share the same interests and experiences
Or share your side of the coin too

I guess it’s fun to talk to strangers
There are no strings attached
No messy mixed up feelings
The evening ends, you are out of touch

I guess it’s fun to talk to strangers
'Coz for a time you can be what you want to be
No pain, no hurt, no memories
And the stranger believes you whole-heartedly

Arranging Flowers

I had fun arranging these flowers.

Well, for one, I like them because they're pink.

Secondly, I like them cause they were real and they smelled really good. :))









And finally because they made me look beautiful. It made me look like I'm blooming. These flowers had that beauty in them and it flows out to everything around it. It makes everything better. I was happy arranging them. They're so cute and beautiful and fragile. These flowers and I have a lot in common. :)

But they died today. Flowers don't really last long. But during its lifetime, it gives more than its own beauty to people's eyes. It reminds us God has made these things short-lived but beautiful and so are we.

The Hobbies That Saved Me: Drawing

Ever since I had my first love, I slowly stopped drawing. It took most of my time - you know, all the flirting, the messages, the effort you do when you're in love is just so irreplaceable. I didn't realize that it would deteriorate my drawing skills, well in a way.

Arts was very close to my heart since birth, I dunno, I just love colors, shapes, lines, and patterns. I actually was Best in Art during my kindergarten years, LOL. And I improved as I grew up. I drew people (well, actually it was anime/manga people, not real ones) and they told me to pursue my dreams on becoming an artist.

In this section, I am sharing not only the love for drawing, but actually the love of art in a particular view which is Drawing because I am drawing. You can actually love art without having to draw. But this particular hobby, this one saved me personally. It may be different for others, but I can assure that one touch of art is enough to save you from your entire misery.

I have been learning to draw, mostly anime/manga-kind, since I was in grade school. I was so amazed by what I watch in TV and I try to copy them in my own interpretation. But I started to get busy in highschool, though I still draw sometimes. I, then, had the chance to meet someone whom I thought was good enough to give my heart to. So I invested my time for him. I wasted almost four to five years for that one person who would actually break my heart.

Then I started drawing again, in the effort to release my anger or my emotions through it. In a way, it helped me take my mind off the emotions during the time I was drawing, and maybe it actually is helpful for me to draw since I am being satisfied in it. I drew this doodle on a napkin. It was from Starbucks, and I kept the napkin and drew out a doodle. It was the first doodle I ever made. It was made of the things I love to go to, to do, and to see.

This one I drew on a notebook. It was during my college years, but I'm not quite sure when exactly. I think I was bored in class, so I drew this hair, the braided one, coz I wanted to learn how to braid.

Well, it occurred to me that drawing what I actually want to do helps in some ways. People encourage me to continue what I do, when I never realized it. I did so, thought it was rare for me to draw when I was in my first relationship. I drew us in complete innocence with what happens next.

 

So after a heartbreak, actually during the heartbreak, I attempted to draw my feelings out.  It really felt sad, terrifying, and I just wanted to die in so much misery. I thought I cannot take it anymore so I drew out that I was hurting, confused, wanting to scream, soul-less. I drew self-portraits of I what I thought I am. 

 

Sometimes, I drew things that were good enough a symbol of what I was feeling during the moment. I drew a vase with flowers and falling petals in an attempt to convey letting go, and I drew a mad eye well, to impose that I am mad to see or to witness such a tragedy in my life. The one in the bottom is an allegory of my life, from innocence to a relationship to its dangers and its end, to the future I once dreamed of, and the want to return to where it all began, to undo all the things I've done in my life. 

I started to draw women. I dunno, I guess to empower myself. I mean, I'm a woman you see? And I was meant to be beautiful. I also drew a woman in its bed n the morning wide awake, which is so me in many ways. I portrayed a picture of an insomniac probably because it was hard for me to sleep in all those past lurking behind me.

 Then I started to untangle my feelings with my drawings. I drew abstract things out of simple matter that I thought of. Although it always has a deeper reason for me to do it.

This one I drew out of rage, I was mad and I didn't know what to draw. It looks like an angry wolf, is it not? Hahaha! Well, at least after I had my rage died down, it kinda makes it funny to think of it. I was becoming an animal with such a rage!

This was far from  planned drawing. My pen blotted ink too much so I just decided to make a blot art. XD Mind you, it's the ink of Pilot's G-tec. It's ink is priceless, but I had no choice rather than to completely throw it away, at least I used its ink for art. :)

This hobby has finally developed into deeper interest in arts. Now, I want to do watercolour painting, then acrylic after. I think I would be doing more portraits, and landscapes. Or maybe still life.

Personal interests aside, this whole drawing hobby is a lot of fun! I mean, it developed itself over time. It helped me find my way home (I mean, I lost myself before.. I didn't know who I was anymore, but I know I love art so it led me back to where my heart was once and there I found happiness) It might be a good flatter for your lost, self-pitying soul, like mine. It became my defense mechanism from all the pain, the sorrow, the grief, the loss, the pity. It made me gain self-confidence once more. With it, I knew I was better if I just had known what to do. I wish I had just taken fine arts in school. Maybe I would've been better than what I am now!

This is the one thing I would always share with others. This is what defines me. Arts, Drawing, Shapes, Lines, Patterns, Colors. 

I would definitely blog if I have improved with it! :)