Your Ghost

I saw you. You were very much alive. You and your friends. You talked to me like there’s nothing wrong. At first, I didn’t believe it. I talked to your friends normally, and I didn’t talk to you. But then you treated me as you did before.

Somewhere in the middle of something important, I was sleepy so I lay down in front of you but not facing you. You were somewhere behind me. I closed my eyes so I could sleep. I was somewhat uncomfortable. After a few seconds, something crawled behind my back. It felt like an arm, and it made its way around my waist. I felt it. And I knew it was yours. The way you were holding me before. I recognized it was yours. And I let off a smile. You held me for some time, and for a moment, I thought it was real.

Heart's Cry

what if I hook up with some stranger? go on with one night stands? have sex with people I don't really love? will that really ruin me? will that give me the thing I need most? where will that lead me?

why did I have to be deceived? I loved that person so much but why did he have to leave me hurting? If he thought that was the best for him, how about me? if he thought that I planned to ruin his new relationship, I did not! I never wanted to ruin somebody's relationship even if they ruined mine! Their relationship's a ruin from the start!

I never planned for revenge. I never intended for their fall. I do not have anything to do with him no more.

The Hobbies That Saved Me: Travelling

My first title went like this: My Depressionistic Hobby

I don't even know what my title meant. Haha! It was supposed to mean like the hobby that grew out of my depression. No, actually, it was the thing that helped me get through my depression. So there, I changed it. I intend to post a series of these just to tell the things that saved me during the darkest times of my life.

Well anyway, last year was the roughest time of my life. For everyone's knowledge my heart was pretty much damaged all throughout the year. And I didn't know how I actually went through it. I mean, it's still not perfect now, but I'm still alive.

From Top to Bottom: At Mt. Banahaw, Banaue Rice Terraces (Batad, Ifugao),
At Altamira Beach Resort (Batangas)

Thanks to everything that helped me - my friends, books, movies (no, not romantic ones but more of action-thriller), and of course my classes which helped keep me busy instead of letting me feel lost and broken.

Some of the things that I can proudly share are my trips - be it because of personal or academic purposes. I went to many places last year - from Batad and Lagawe (Ifugao) to Baguio to Laiya and San Juan (Batangas) to Mt. Banahaw (Quezon), to Marogondon, Kawit, and Dasmariñas (Cavite) and Tagaytay.

Intimacy is different from Commitment

As I write, I am reflecting upon my experiences in this area of my life. I have been in very complicated cases but not so as most of the people I know. And in my experience, I have learned so much, that I wouldn't trade those lessons for anything. And I hope that by sharing these, I would help others in the most dire times.

At the age of 15, I was a simple girl. By simple, I mean I didn't engage in any irrelevant events, I was trapped in a daily routine of house-to-school-to-house. And during vacations, I was trained to be kept at home, doing the household chores I could possibly do. I did not even know my neighbors since I was the girl who kept to herself. Then I joined a youth organization in the local church as my relatives have recommended me to. There I met this young boy of almost my age. He was very talented (in the name of music). He was, in my observance of him, an immature, reckless, rude, a typical bad boy. He also came to be the boy next door of which haven't interested me until that time.

Reaksyon sa Eleksyon 2013

Hindi ko alam kung dapat akong matuwa sa mga naging resulta ng eleksyon. Hindi ako sigurado kung ganito ba talaga ang sistema ng eleksyon sa Pinas. Hindi ko alam kung talaga bang ganito ang binoto ng mamamayan o baka napilitan lang. Hindi kaya binili yung boto nila? Hindi kaya dun nasusukat ang kakayahan ng mga kandidato?

Nakakatakot isipin kung ito na talaga yung binoto ng mamamayan. Paulit-ulit nalang bang ganito pag eleksyon? Alam na nila na hindi dapat political dynasty ang maging itsura ng pamahalaan, pero sige pa rin sila sa pagboto ng mga pare-parehong apelyido. Mga apelyidong hindi na bago sa tao, pero kilala ba nila yung pangalan? Bakit ganun? Bakit nagtitiwala nalang ang mga tao sa mga kilalang apelyido? Wala pang sapat na karanasan pero pasok sa Top Five sa Senatorial Elections? Wala pang napatunayan sa bansa, pero kung makaasta parang kaya niyang isuko ang buhay niya para sa bansa?

Ganito ba ang eleksyon sa Pinas? o Ganito ba kabobo ang mga Pilipino? Ganito nalang ba ang kawalan ng dignidad sa pagpapabili ng kanilang boto? o Ganito lang ba karumi ang kadayaan sa eleksyon?

Hindi ko alam kung anong sagot diyan. Pero bilang isang mamamayan, at bilang unang beses na bumoto, dapat kong gawin ang tungkulin ko sa bayan. Hindi ako dapat mapagod bumoto kung sino ang sa tingin kong karapat-dapat sa puwesto. Kahit na ilang beses ko na makita ang maruming eleksyon, hindi ako dapat mapagod gawin ang tama. Kung ang lahat ganito ang naiisip, tiyak maraming magbabago at hindi mapupunta sa di dapat ang puwesto ng isang tagapaglingkod sa bayan.

Don McLean - Vincent

Starry, starry night 
Paint your palette blue and gray 
Look out on a summer's day 
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul 
Shadows on the hills 
Sketch the trees and the daffodils 
Catch the breeze and the winter chills 
In colors on the snowy linen land 

Now I understand what you tried to say to me 
And how you suffered for your sanity 
How you tried to set them free 
They would not listen, they did not know how 
Perhaps they'll listen now 

Starry, starry night 
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze 
Swirling clouds in violet haze 
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue 
Colors changing hue 
Morning fields of amber grain 
Weathered faces lined in pain 
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand 

Now I understand what you tried to say to me 
And how you suffered for your sanity 
And how you tried to set them free 
They would not listen, they did not know how 
Perhaps they'll listen now 

For they could not love you 
But still your love was true 
And when no hope was left inside 
On that starry, starry night 
You took your life as lovers often do 
But I could have told you, Vincent 
This world was never meant 
For one as beautiful as you 

Starry, starry night 
Portraits hung in empty halls 
Frameless heads on nameless walls 
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget 
Like the strangers that you've met 
The ragged men in ragged clothes 
A silver thorn, a bloody rose 
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow 

Now I think I know what you tried to say to me 
And how you suffered for your sanity 
And how you tried to set them free 
They would not listen, they're not listening still 
Perhaps they never will

The song I can forever relate to. The song pays a tribute to my favorite artist - Vincent Van Gogh. The song for his famous painting "Starry Night".

He had serious struggle in his life. He dealt with keeping up on his life while having this mental illness and he made a living by painting which no one really wanted to buy. No one or I must say, only a few has seen his beautiful skill. He wasn't fortunate enough to sell most of his paintings and he could barely provide for his expenses. He was in struggle with himself when he made the Starry Night. He knew darkness too much. He had a very lonely soul. By the time he reached the point of giving up, he shot himself only to survive the shot and suffered for two days more.

This world is not meant for beautiful people like him.. Oh how cruel this world must be... Vincent. Like you, I know this world's not meant for me too. You didn't had to suffer like that. Life can be so mean. But we'll put that in canvas, in colors, in paintings.. to let the world know who we truly are.