So I got this brilliant idea..

to make something I can make a profit from. I have been self-pitying from being a useless shit and not being able to contribute any service in any form to the world when this idea popped into my head. I planned my whole week out and it was helpful for me. So I decided to make my own planner. I know people who print these kinds of business, I just cannot share it to people pa, because it's still not available. I just wanted to express this brilliant sentiment today cause I think it really is a good idea. Since I'm just at home, doing some part-time job, and I'm an average user of Adobe photoshop, why not do this? At least, I'm at home and I'm comfortable with my time and everything. I can eat whenever I want, I can take a dayoff whenever I want, and I really love this kind of job because it will benefit me. :)) So I can make customized planners and shizz. I can go on with my life! *yey!*

When everything is not going well..

This week, I've been really down. Everything is just not going my way. And I hate it.

I cannot eat what I love the most - chocolates and ice cream - in a very very long time. I wasn't allowed to see CDC this September 15 because it's Sunday. It was just because it was a Sunday afternoon. These past few weeks, there's nothing really going on every Sunday afternoon except for my commitment but the events doesn't really happen. It upsets me. No, it makes me depressed. It sends me to the bottomest state I could ever be in. I mean, it's just. I've always wanted to watch the UP Pep Squad make the world burn. It's just. I thought it would be this time. And I was near it! I thought I could have it, but then I don't. It really hurts. And I really have to cry. The third one is because of I'm so getting bored with my life here, I need to go out. I need to socialize with people, but I don't want to. Or there's no people I can be with that can totally understand me. I hate going out with friends I'm not really close with. The fourth one is because of I missed the chance of going to the Manila Int'l Book Fair. My friend went there today, and I can't go with her because it's not like I can actually buy books I liked coz I'm so broke. It's like the world has denied me all the reasons I can have for fun. I hate myself. I hate everything. I want to just die. I don't know. Life isn't worth living now. Everything is just not going well with me. And I'm forgetting how it is to be happy.  

I just needed to write this down coz I have no where else where I can put it to.

It's inside, and you'll never know.

It is not in the looks, in the clothes people wear, or in the smiles coming from them. It's what inside them, it's in their minds, it's in their hearts. You can never really have any idea how that person is going through. You cannot know a person entirely unless they reveal themselves to you. Everyone is going through something, everyone has their dark sides. And you have no right judging them for what they do because you are not that person. Whether he may be right or wrong, you got no say in that. So just stop judging people. 

Feeling Again

Feeling Again.

I felt happy, I felt sad too. I felt whole but then I felt broken all over again.
It's not that I regret anything I've done these days, but I'm glad that I can feel again.

There was this guy I met in chat, we started talking almost everyday for 28 days, and I liked him. I dunno, he was not my ideal kind of man, but I still liked him. He was a bad ass, no, he still is. He said he loved me. Yes, that's a bit weird, cause we haven't seen each other personally. But well, there's no harm done right? So there, until last night, he decided to just walk out my life, so I let him. I can't make him stay if that's not what he wants.

I can't feel anything today. Perhaps, I'm denying the hurt. I am sad. I am bothered. I was in infinitea with my friends, but my mood, it just isn't right. I was trying to look fine, I was trying to be okay, I was trying hard to smile. My smile isn't like the one I had that Sunday. My smile is a forced smile. My smile is just too ugly, too hard to make when all I really wanted was to frown, be sad.

He said that my dress looked good on me that Sunday. I don't know if that was true, but well, he did say that. He told me that there was something different, but in a good way, with my smile that day. I don't know if that was true either. But I better believe that, cause if it was sarcasm, I'd be killing him. lol.

He said he's grown tired of what we're doing - well, I guess talking all day, everyday, ever since we met. Who wouldn't? So he decided to just stop this thing going on between us. He just decided to stop. And I completely understand that. I'm just quite sad that I'll never be hearing from him again. I hope I'd hear from him again. Cause I'm missing him. And I hate missing someone.

Well, I can still see how he's doing in tumblr. That's quite nice. I think it will do. It's enough. Even though I stop speaking to him, well at least I can stay updated with his life, or his thoughts. He's a good friend. He is. Even though he's an ass and though his mind is full of crazy shit. I love him. Yes, I do. With that 28 days, I do love him for what he is.

I hope his nephew is doing fine. I love seeing that child. He's full of life and good vibes.

I think of him most of the time. I hope he does too. And I hope that he won't forget me, at the least. I hope he does well. I hope that for once in his life, I made a mark in it. I hope that he will remember a girl who had that shitty tolerance on his bad ass and who never grew tired of talking to him. I hope he'll remember me from time to time.

I am sad. But still, I'm happy. I'm happy that I met such a bad but lovely guy. :)

It's fun to talk to strangers

I guess it’s fun to talk to strangers
You have the power to lie or tell the truth
You can say everything about yourself
Or make up stories like your life is smooth

I guess it’s fun to talk to strangers
For you can introduce yourself anew
You are not obliged to stay true
And when you’re done, you can say ‘adieu’

I guess it’s fun to talk to strangers
So you can learn things you never knew
You can share the same interests and experiences
Or share your side of the coin too

I guess it’s fun to talk to strangers
There are no strings attached
No messy mixed up feelings
The evening ends, you are out of touch

I guess it’s fun to talk to strangers
'Coz for a time you can be what you want to be
No pain, no hurt, no memories
And the stranger believes you whole-heartedly

Arranging Flowers

I had fun arranging these flowers.

Well, for one, I like them because they're pink.

Secondly, I like them cause they were real and they smelled really good. :))









And finally because they made me look beautiful. It made me look like I'm blooming. These flowers had that beauty in them and it flows out to everything around it. It makes everything better. I was happy arranging them. They're so cute and beautiful and fragile. These flowers and I have a lot in common. :)

But they died today. Flowers don't really last long. But during its lifetime, it gives more than its own beauty to people's eyes. It reminds us God has made these things short-lived but beautiful and so are we.

The Hobbies That Saved Me: Drawing

Ever since I had my first love, I slowly stopped drawing. It took most of my time - you know, all the flirting, the messages, the effort you do when you're in love is just so irreplaceable. I didn't realize that it would deteriorate my drawing skills, well in a way.

Arts was very close to my heart since birth, I dunno, I just love colors, shapes, lines, and patterns. I actually was Best in Art during my kindergarten years, LOL. And I improved as I grew up. I drew people (well, actually it was anime/manga people, not real ones) and they told me to pursue my dreams on becoming an artist.

In this section, I am sharing not only the love for drawing, but actually the love of art in a particular view which is Drawing because I am drawing. You can actually love art without having to draw. But this particular hobby, this one saved me personally. It may be different for others, but I can assure that one touch of art is enough to save you from your entire misery.

I have been learning to draw, mostly anime/manga-kind, since I was in grade school. I was so amazed by what I watch in TV and I try to copy them in my own interpretation. But I started to get busy in highschool, though I still draw sometimes. I, then, had the chance to meet someone whom I thought was good enough to give my heart to. So I invested my time for him. I wasted almost four to five years for that one person who would actually break my heart.

Then I started drawing again, in the effort to release my anger or my emotions through it. In a way, it helped me take my mind off the emotions during the time I was drawing, and maybe it actually is helpful for me to draw since I am being satisfied in it. I drew this doodle on a napkin. It was from Starbucks, and I kept the napkin and drew out a doodle. It was the first doodle I ever made. It was made of the things I love to go to, to do, and to see.

This one I drew on a notebook. It was during my college years, but I'm not quite sure when exactly. I think I was bored in class, so I drew this hair, the braided one, coz I wanted to learn how to braid.

Well, it occurred to me that drawing what I actually want to do helps in some ways. People encourage me to continue what I do, when I never realized it. I did so, thought it was rare for me to draw when I was in my first relationship. I drew us in complete innocence with what happens next.

 

So after a heartbreak, actually during the heartbreak, I attempted to draw my feelings out.  It really felt sad, terrifying, and I just wanted to die in so much misery. I thought I cannot take it anymore so I drew out that I was hurting, confused, wanting to scream, soul-less. I drew self-portraits of I what I thought I am. 

 

Sometimes, I drew things that were good enough a symbol of what I was feeling during the moment. I drew a vase with flowers and falling petals in an attempt to convey letting go, and I drew a mad eye well, to impose that I am mad to see or to witness such a tragedy in my life. The one in the bottom is an allegory of my life, from innocence to a relationship to its dangers and its end, to the future I once dreamed of, and the want to return to where it all began, to undo all the things I've done in my life. 

I started to draw women. I dunno, I guess to empower myself. I mean, I'm a woman you see? And I was meant to be beautiful. I also drew a woman in its bed n the morning wide awake, which is so me in many ways. I portrayed a picture of an insomniac probably because it was hard for me to sleep in all those past lurking behind me.

 Then I started to untangle my feelings with my drawings. I drew abstract things out of simple matter that I thought of. Although it always has a deeper reason for me to do it.

This one I drew out of rage, I was mad and I didn't know what to draw. It looks like an angry wolf, is it not? Hahaha! Well, at least after I had my rage died down, it kinda makes it funny to think of it. I was becoming an animal with such a rage!

This was far from  planned drawing. My pen blotted ink too much so I just decided to make a blot art. XD Mind you, it's the ink of Pilot's G-tec. It's ink is priceless, but I had no choice rather than to completely throw it away, at least I used its ink for art. :)

This hobby has finally developed into deeper interest in arts. Now, I want to do watercolour painting, then acrylic after. I think I would be doing more portraits, and landscapes. Or maybe still life.

Personal interests aside, this whole drawing hobby is a lot of fun! I mean, it developed itself over time. It helped me find my way home (I mean, I lost myself before.. I didn't know who I was anymore, but I know I love art so it led me back to where my heart was once and there I found happiness) It might be a good flatter for your lost, self-pitying soul, like mine. It became my defense mechanism from all the pain, the sorrow, the grief, the loss, the pity. It made me gain self-confidence once more. With it, I knew I was better if I just had known what to do. I wish I had just taken fine arts in school. Maybe I would've been better than what I am now!

This is the one thing I would always share with others. This is what defines me. Arts, Drawing, Shapes, Lines, Patterns, Colors. 

I would definitely blog if I have improved with it! :)

Your Ghost

I saw you. You were very much alive. You and your friends. You talked to me like there’s nothing wrong. At first, I didn’t believe it. I talked to your friends normally, and I didn’t talk to you. But then you treated me as you did before.

Somewhere in the middle of something important, I was sleepy so I lay down in front of you but not facing you. You were somewhere behind me. I closed my eyes so I could sleep. I was somewhat uncomfortable. After a few seconds, something crawled behind my back. It felt like an arm, and it made its way around my waist. I felt it. And I knew it was yours. The way you were holding me before. I recognized it was yours. And I let off a smile. You held me for some time, and for a moment, I thought it was real.

Heart's Cry

what if I hook up with some stranger? go on with one night stands? have sex with people I don't really love? will that really ruin me? will that give me the thing I need most? where will that lead me?

why did I have to be deceived? I loved that person so much but why did he have to leave me hurting? If he thought that was the best for him, how about me? if he thought that I planned to ruin his new relationship, I did not! I never wanted to ruin somebody's relationship even if they ruined mine! Their relationship's a ruin from the start!

I never planned for revenge. I never intended for their fall. I do not have anything to do with him no more.

The Hobbies That Saved Me: Travelling

My first title went like this: My Depressionistic Hobby

I don't even know what my title meant. Haha! It was supposed to mean like the hobby that grew out of my depression. No, actually, it was the thing that helped me get through my depression. So there, I changed it. I intend to post a series of these just to tell the things that saved me during the darkest times of my life.

Well anyway, last year was the roughest time of my life. For everyone's knowledge my heart was pretty much damaged all throughout the year. And I didn't know how I actually went through it. I mean, it's still not perfect now, but I'm still alive.

From Top to Bottom: At Mt. Banahaw, Banaue Rice Terraces (Batad, Ifugao),
At Altamira Beach Resort (Batangas)

Thanks to everything that helped me - my friends, books, movies (no, not romantic ones but more of action-thriller), and of course my classes which helped keep me busy instead of letting me feel lost and broken.

Some of the things that I can proudly share are my trips - be it because of personal or academic purposes. I went to many places last year - from Batad and Lagawe (Ifugao) to Baguio to Laiya and San Juan (Batangas) to Mt. Banahaw (Quezon), to Marogondon, Kawit, and Dasmariñas (Cavite) and Tagaytay.

Intimacy is different from Commitment

As I write, I am reflecting upon my experiences in this area of my life. I have been in very complicated cases but not so as most of the people I know. And in my experience, I have learned so much, that I wouldn't trade those lessons for anything. And I hope that by sharing these, I would help others in the most dire times.

At the age of 15, I was a simple girl. By simple, I mean I didn't engage in any irrelevant events, I was trapped in a daily routine of house-to-school-to-house. And during vacations, I was trained to be kept at home, doing the household chores I could possibly do. I did not even know my neighbors since I was the girl who kept to herself. Then I joined a youth organization in the local church as my relatives have recommended me to. There I met this young boy of almost my age. He was very talented (in the name of music). He was, in my observance of him, an immature, reckless, rude, a typical bad boy. He also came to be the boy next door of which haven't interested me until that time.

Reaksyon sa Eleksyon 2013

Hindi ko alam kung dapat akong matuwa sa mga naging resulta ng eleksyon. Hindi ako sigurado kung ganito ba talaga ang sistema ng eleksyon sa Pinas. Hindi ko alam kung talaga bang ganito ang binoto ng mamamayan o baka napilitan lang. Hindi kaya binili yung boto nila? Hindi kaya dun nasusukat ang kakayahan ng mga kandidato?

Nakakatakot isipin kung ito na talaga yung binoto ng mamamayan. Paulit-ulit nalang bang ganito pag eleksyon? Alam na nila na hindi dapat political dynasty ang maging itsura ng pamahalaan, pero sige pa rin sila sa pagboto ng mga pare-parehong apelyido. Mga apelyidong hindi na bago sa tao, pero kilala ba nila yung pangalan? Bakit ganun? Bakit nagtitiwala nalang ang mga tao sa mga kilalang apelyido? Wala pang sapat na karanasan pero pasok sa Top Five sa Senatorial Elections? Wala pang napatunayan sa bansa, pero kung makaasta parang kaya niyang isuko ang buhay niya para sa bansa?

Ganito ba ang eleksyon sa Pinas? o Ganito ba kabobo ang mga Pilipino? Ganito nalang ba ang kawalan ng dignidad sa pagpapabili ng kanilang boto? o Ganito lang ba karumi ang kadayaan sa eleksyon?

Hindi ko alam kung anong sagot diyan. Pero bilang isang mamamayan, at bilang unang beses na bumoto, dapat kong gawin ang tungkulin ko sa bayan. Hindi ako dapat mapagod bumoto kung sino ang sa tingin kong karapat-dapat sa puwesto. Kahit na ilang beses ko na makita ang maruming eleksyon, hindi ako dapat mapagod gawin ang tama. Kung ang lahat ganito ang naiisip, tiyak maraming magbabago at hindi mapupunta sa di dapat ang puwesto ng isang tagapaglingkod sa bayan.

Don McLean - Vincent

Starry, starry night 
Paint your palette blue and gray 
Look out on a summer's day 
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul 
Shadows on the hills 
Sketch the trees and the daffodils 
Catch the breeze and the winter chills 
In colors on the snowy linen land 

Now I understand what you tried to say to me 
And how you suffered for your sanity 
How you tried to set them free 
They would not listen, they did not know how 
Perhaps they'll listen now 

Starry, starry night 
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze 
Swirling clouds in violet haze 
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue 
Colors changing hue 
Morning fields of amber grain 
Weathered faces lined in pain 
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand 

Now I understand what you tried to say to me 
And how you suffered for your sanity 
And how you tried to set them free 
They would not listen, they did not know how 
Perhaps they'll listen now 

For they could not love you 
But still your love was true 
And when no hope was left inside 
On that starry, starry night 
You took your life as lovers often do 
But I could have told you, Vincent 
This world was never meant 
For one as beautiful as you 

Starry, starry night 
Portraits hung in empty halls 
Frameless heads on nameless walls 
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget 
Like the strangers that you've met 
The ragged men in ragged clothes 
A silver thorn, a bloody rose 
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow 

Now I think I know what you tried to say to me 
And how you suffered for your sanity 
And how you tried to set them free 
They would not listen, they're not listening still 
Perhaps they never will

The song I can forever relate to. The song pays a tribute to my favorite artist - Vincent Van Gogh. The song for his famous painting "Starry Night".

He had serious struggle in his life. He dealt with keeping up on his life while having this mental illness and he made a living by painting which no one really wanted to buy. No one or I must say, only a few has seen his beautiful skill. He wasn't fortunate enough to sell most of his paintings and he could barely provide for his expenses. He was in struggle with himself when he made the Starry Night. He knew darkness too much. He had a very lonely soul. By the time he reached the point of giving up, he shot himself only to survive the shot and suffered for two days more.

This world is not meant for beautiful people like him.. Oh how cruel this world must be... Vincent. Like you, I know this world's not meant for me too. You didn't had to suffer like that. Life can be so mean. But we'll put that in canvas, in colors, in paintings.. to let the world know who we truly are.