As I write, I am reflecting upon my experiences in this area of my life. I have been in very complicated cases but not so as most of the people I know. And in my experience, I have learned so much, that I wouldn't trade those lessons for anything. And I hope that by sharing these, I would help others in the most dire times.
At the age of 15, I was a simple girl. By simple, I mean I didn't engage in any irrelevant events, I was trapped in a daily routine of house-to-school-to-house. And during vacations, I was trained to be kept at home, doing the household chores I could possibly do. I did not even know my neighbors since I was the girl who kept to herself. Then I joined a youth organization in the local church as my relatives have recommended me to. There I met this young boy of almost my age. He was very talented (in the name of music). He was, in my observance of him, an immature, reckless, rude, a typical bad boy. He also came to be the boy next door of which haven't interested me until that time.
To make the long story short, I came to be very close friends with him. He taught me to play the guitar, we shared secrets, and we grew together in a drama workshop. We still became close friends even after he had this one crush which we were also friends with. Then after 2 years of being friends, we went to the next level. Yeah, we had the entered a commitment to each other. And for about 3 years it lasted.
During those years, we had known each other very well. I came to know his ways, his mind, his words, his soul. I am not really sure if he knew mine. But well, I have known his angelic and demonic ways. I can never deny the physical intimacy we shared. We had that strong connection in mind and spirit. I knew what his eyes were telling me even though he didn't speak a word. We did things in secret, when we thought no one was watching us. We had built friends in common, had a band in which we were playing together, we had our plans for the future. We spoke of our wedding, our honeymoon, our children - how many and their gender and even their names! We all had it laid out in front of us.
At first the relationship was going well, I forgave him when he cheated on me. And he thought he won't do it again. But then he did again. It was the demise of our relationship when we were at the time been fighting almost everyday or ever week because of little things. He sought comfort with another girl as I was away for my field work. When I came back everything about us were shattered. Everything. It was the cruelest time of my life.
Again, I will mention that we have grown in the same local church. His new girl is a new attender of the church and so I had to endure those times I were seeing them. They were both liars. And they chose to break my heart and be selfish and have their way. They were being hypocrites like us when it was our time. I can't even bear to see them. I was confused about my feelings towards him. I wanted to forgive him, be friends with him because it is very hard to lose a very close friend. I just wanted to be normal. Like those other ex-couples who turned out to be close friends again. I just wanted that.
But then there came a time, I still agreed on a abnormal physical intimacy between him and me. Actually, it was his mistake that he still continued having that kind of relationship with me while he began his new commitment with the new girl. So I was contented. But it bugged me everytime we do our thing and then his feelings are never the same as before. He never told me he loved me back. He always has this new girl in his mind. And I can't take that anymore.
So I sought help with my leaders in the church. The new girl came to know all about what was going on between us during the time they were having their own relationship. But two weeks after they're back together. And they decided to leave the church because of their burning desire to stay with each other.
One night, a friend organized a surprise party for our friend (the one the boy had a crush which turned out to be his ex - let's call her "past girl"). It was the first time we have been together since a couple of weeks I haven't seen or talked with him. I didn't actually want to be there. But then, I still came for that friend. There came a chance we talked again, the memories and all. And in short, we hooked up again. I got carried away with the alcohol in me and depressed with a number of reasons. We messed up pretty big this time.
We agreed to make everything a secret. But his new girl knew about all this. She asked me the truth. It turns out the guy lied about us. Well, I told her the truth, partially, excluding the hooking up. So the girl got so angry at him she decided to break up with him for the shallowest of reasons. After that the guy intended to revenge by telling everything to our leader which, of course, in turn hurt many many people. I didn't actually care if he did, I was prepared for that, but it never hurt me. I just realized how a fool I was to trust him again. He went overboard to get his friend (the one who organized the party) in danger. And then after that, I told the girl the whole truth because that's what my leader said (and of course, I actually really wanted that to hurt the girl and him too, a way of payback for his revenge). I never wanted to reveal that on my own because of course that would only damage the image I have in the girl's mind. But still my leader thought the girl had the right to know the truth.
In this story, I want to emphasize on the intimacy and commitment. It is two very distinct things. You can have both, and you can have intimacy alone or commitment alone. In the story, we had intimacy and commitment with our 3 years being together, and then commitment alone when our relationship was on the rocks, and then intimacy alone when we were no longer in a formal relationship.
One can have sex with a man or a woman he doesn't really love. It is painful for me to learn that he is just having sex with me just for the pleasure of it but never really cares about me or he has that other girl he loves. It is very very painful, my friend. But I learned to live with it. I didn't mix my feelings with love-making. And the second time I hooked up with him, I didn't want him back in a relationship with me. Though I told him that I was more deserving than that girl, that it would serve him better if I was her, and that we could have our relationship back if he were to break up with her, that was a very confused mind. After what I've done, I mean after hooking up with him, I realized how bad it would be if we were together again. That it would do me no good if we ever get back together.
He was as confused as me. He didn't even know his heart. I clearly saw it in the light. And I never wanted to do that again. It isn't as hard to let go and move on as the confusion I had in me in the first time we hooked up. This time I was all ready to give 'im up and start a new life. I have nothing to do with him anymore and so, were strangers once more. We have nothing to gain but everything to lose if we had been friends again. I am thankful he knew this. And so whenever I see him again (coz he went back to church and I don't know why probably to kill me), I do not intend to talk or to have anything to do with him. We're just good at messing things up.
No comments:
Post a Comment